I heard somewhere (on some random television show, running as background noise) that the term hoarder is derived from a German word meaning "hamster". I decided that since hamsters are cute and furry and store their stuff in their cheek pouches, that I liked this term much better than picturing myself as one of the crazy old ladies surrounded by garbage on a cable television show. Reality is perception.
And the reality is this: last month I turned 50. And for the last dozen or so years, my life has been upside down in a ditch, spinning its wheels. I didn't do very well at high school physics, but I do remember the laws of motion: a body at rest remains at rest. If nothing changes, my life will go on just as it is now, only covered in more dust.
I grew up in a cluttered home. To me, clutter was all about rebellion ("you can't make me!"). I have no idea who/what I am rebelling against now. I do know that I would like my survivors to not need a team of men with shovels and dumpsters to clean out my house when I am gone. I think I might like to have some semblance of a life in the meantime, too.
I think.
I have a horrible history of setting goals and then crapping out on them in a few days/weeks/months. But six years ago, I stopped smoking. I didn't even make a truly conscious decision to do it permanently (as I had stopped and started again many, many times). I just decided it wasn't fun to sit outdoors (for my pet's health I never smoked indoors) in the blazing July heat sucking hot air into my lungs. I ran out of cigarettes one day, and never bought another pack.
So I am going to try to apply some of the same principles to my life as a hamster. One day at a time. I will start by saying "today, I will not buy anything other than food, unless I am replacing something vital we have run out of". I have replaced my addiction to smoking with shopping. My drug of choice is cosmetics. Since they don't take up much space, I tell myself it is a harmless hobby.
Not so much. But it distracts me from the fact that I have let myself get so heavy, I only have three pairs of casual pants that fit. And that my house is such a mess, no one is allowed to come over. But hey, look at my pretty eyeshadow!
Sigh.
The purpose of this blog is to make me accountable for my actions on a day-to-day basis. I would like it to be private but (Luddite that I am) I don't see a setting for that. So I have turned off the comments option, because I am weak and spineless and am too busy battling my own demons to take on the mean girls of the internet at the same time.
